The Love of Christ

Lately I have been on such a high. Nothing seemed to really bother me or put me in a bad mood.

But yesterday was different.

Yesterday was tough.

Yesterday I woke up feeling tired, lonely, and irritable.

As I left for church I didn't really want to go. I didn't feel like trying to find someone to sit with or try to be talkative to a bunch of people I didn't know. My heart felt full--full of heavy rocks that were weighing me down. However, I knew that church was the perfect place to go to empty out the rocks in my heart. So I went.

I always take the F train to church. The F is usually Full, Familiar, and Fast (this is a little activity my sister and I do. We gave each train a few names that describe them using words with the same letter of that train. Another Ex: R train - Ridiculous, Raunchy, un-Reliable.) Anyways, I didn't realize this usually very Faithful F train was running on the A line this weekend. As soon as I got on I realized my stop was not on the reader board. I decided to ride it for a little bit but I had no clue where I was going which made me nervous. Since the train system is underground phones do not work. In this case, I had to get off of the train and out of the station so I could reach cell-phone service. I called Tara and she figured out what I needed to do. At this point, I was going to be about 45 minutes late for church. Sigh...I contemplated whether or not to just go home.

But I kept dragging my feet and went to church.

I tried to sneak through the front doors of the church without being seen. But that didn't happen. The greeter caught me trying to be sneaky and called me out on it. He hugged me, kissed my cheek, and told me that he was so happy I came back. He said, "You found a home!!" This brought a smile to my face.

I continued walking through the church and up a couple flights of stairs to the sanctuary. Before I approached the sanctuary I was hoping I would find my family sitting in there. I was thinking how nice it would be to comfortably go plop down beside one of them. I was wishing that I could look down the pew and make eye contact and whisper a little "hi" to each family member just like I would normally do on a Sunday at home. I was dreaming that I would be able to hold my little niece and nephews in my lap. But when I walked through the doors I didn't know who to sit with.

So I sat alone.

The pastor was preaching about the love of Christ and how society sometimes misunderstands the real meaning of love. Christ's love is sacrificial, unconditional, undeserving. We too should love how Christ loves. He gave the congregation a moment to "spread the love" to the people sitting around us. I didn't move. I was already trying not to cry throughout the service so I didn't want any attention. I decided to close my eyes and pretend I was invisible. As I was pretending to me invisible I felt a large hand on my shoulder. I wasn't sure if I should ignore the person or look up at them. I ignored him for a quick second and decided to look up once he removed his hand. His eyes were kind, and non-judgmental. I felt Christ's love.

Soon after everyone "spread the love" we began singing. I do not even remember what song we sang. All I remember is finding my self crying. Crying hard. I didn't want to draw attention to myself but there was no escaping it. I was a blubbery mess. The man who earlier placed his hand on my shoulder came up beside me and handed me a Kleenex. I was embarrassed but thankful.

This church is small so I am sure many saw me crying. I was tempted to leave church early so I would not have to talk to anyone. But I stayed, even though I did not want too. Once church let out the pastor headed to the back of the church to greet everyone. He was kind and wanted to know more about me. He too invited me to call this church my home.

Walking home from church I still felt a little sad. I wanted to talk to someone. My family and some of my friends back home were all still in church and Lindsay was working. I decided to try to call Lindsay anyway, hoping she would be on her break. She was. It was perfect. Thank you God for giving me Lindsay.

Even though yesterday was hard, I was constantly reminded of Christ's love.